THIS little girl...

Ugh. She is so sweet, and so smart, but can't seem to hack first grade. We (both of us!) shed so many tears last week over her inability to be with a crowd of kids for an entire day, with a routine that is rigorous and changes occassionally without much warning...in case you don't remember, Emme arrived early. 3 months early, in fact, giving her the distinction of being a "micro-preemie"...born before 29 weeks, and weighing less than 2 pounds. I thought we had conquered so many of these obstacles before...crying at a sudden niose, sensitive to a lot of commotion, red dye, or an itchy shirt tag...but this new change has been overwhelming. For the first few days, I insisted she go, and she "adjusted", but would come home silently introverted, and cry in exasperation if a sister asked her 2 questions, or if a brother walked by and hugged her without warning. The first week was a little rocky, then we went camping, hoping the break would help her ease into things a bit. Day #6 of school...tough but she went. Day #7, I had her all prepared to walk out the door, and she fell apart! Crying so hard she could not tell me what was wrong, just a blank stare off into oblivion, frozen in fear. Finally she said "yes" to the question (#473) "does your TUMMY hurt?" so, not wanting her to be sick in school, and really not knowing WHAT was wrong, I kept her home.





(This is her with big sister Victoria...emme is about 3 months here. )


Day #8 - Brought her breakfast in BED, with a SMILE..."Get up, you're going to school today!" She got dressed, daddy was around, I asked HIM to take her thinking he won't cave as quickly as I do. 7 minutes later, he returned, walking into the kitchen for some pancakes. I was so relieved and was just about to ask how everything went, when around the OTHER way of the house's circle came EMME! I was obviously surprised, and said "What happened?" He said "Apparently, she would rather have a spanking than go to school!". This shocked me further, as it is strict policy at our house to only spank for deliberate disobedience. This was not the case. He said he had pulled up to school, the other two kids got out, and she sat in her seat, frozen. He said "Emme, hop out of the van - you have to go to school". She just sat there and began to cry...the type of cry you see when a child is deathly afraid of a dentist or of water. She could not talk to him, or even stand up, she just sat crying. He threatened, bribed, everything he could think of and said if you don't go to school you will get a spanking - is that what you want? she just continued to cry. So, he came back home! He did have a little chat with her later, explaining that she did not NEED a spanking, but he needed to know how serious she was about missing school.

We discussed it at length...What do we do? do we want her in school? WHY do we want her in school? do we HAVE to make her at the age of 6? can we wait? Do we go back to kindergarten? Do we try to do half days of first grade? What does the Bible say? What is best for Emme? Are we babying her? Has she improved at all since the age of 2, with the hourly crying spells over a doorbell ringing or vacuum cleaner starting? Why do we want her there again? Why is this so difficult. We came up with YES, and NO, and more of the WHYs.

The root of the problem is an underdeveloped nervous system...apparently the medical community has still not developed an artificial womb. Tiny babies exposed to beeps, lights, needles, tests, nasal tubes, iv's, and gruff doctors can't seem to build up resistance to every day life the same as a full term baby would. Coming home to a bustling house full of children did not give her further opportunity to balance out her inner "self".



When my word program cooperates, I will add more of the pertinent info I have recieved froma wondeful new friend on Oregon..she is a special-ed teacher with a micro preemie as well, and included in her affirming email that for Emme to be in a busy public place is honestly physically painful. Ugh. so, as a mother, you think "I have been FORCING her to go be in pain every day?!?" followed by guilt. Therefore, we will slowly work on her, guard her, watch what she eats and how much time she spends in groups, and tell her over and over - you can not cry over everything, but you must communicate with people so we can help you. For now, she will be home schooled, along with Victoria who is feeling overwhelmed, too. we are glad because it will be much more peaceful, and a little sad because it means one more school year of intense mom-kid time, and not just MOM time! Some days I think "I did not sign up for this. My expectations were to have well-adjusted children who can be confident in any setting and make friends easily". Instead, I was given precious gifts..well in advance of when I thought they would arrive. I was able to witness the miracle of them opening their eyes for the first time. I watched them breathe on their own, and learn to drink from a bottle, and smile when they recognized an older sibling - all with intense appreciation. When life hangs in the balance, it is so much more miraculous to see it be fulfilled. For now, I know we are doing the best we can, as any parent does. I know that our little girls can handle staying with their grandparents peacefully, and that they can answer the phone politely. The day will come when they can face a crowd without fear, and not be offended when another person looks at them and says "Hurry UP!" In the meantime, I will treasure every moment I can. I know those moments are gone with the wind all too quickly.